Go to bed angry

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”

- Thumper, from the movie Bambi (1942)

This saying is not just to help the other party. It actually helps you to let go of your anger, too. Research has shown that expressing anger or irritation does not actually reduce tension and aggression. In fact it often has the opposite effect. I have found this in my own life, with both major and minor things that make me angry. If I do go to bed angry, often the problem seems much less infuriating in the morning or I discover a way to resolve the issue. Either way, the end result is better than had I worked myself up, did a bit of yelling and then not slept well as I stewed over the problem or worse my own actions.

I have found that in the heat of an argument, I have a propensity to say the most malicious things. Things I almost always regret. Things that I can't take back. Things that an apology may not heal as the wound that I opened touches an underlying personal schema. This is more often true when I am arguing with a loved one. Someone whose intimate secrets and vulnerabilities I have been privileged to share. I remind myself of Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail"

Venting to a support group doesn't work for me either, at least not in the heat of the moment. I have found that when I express my frustration at the time I am experiencing it, to people I know, they tend to rally around me and I become even more wound up. However, I have also found that after I have calmed down and I reach out for support in a factual manner, I am able to get the support I need. As well, I more easily identify why I was angry and determine whether there is some underlying issue that I need to address. The research supports this approach as well. Dealing with anger in a calm deliberate way is therapeutic. Anger is considered a secondary emotion. It is important to take the time to dissect your anger to identify the underlying emotion behind it and address the root cause.

The adoption journey has not been an easy one. There have been a lot of frustrations for me in this process. It is over 2 1/2 years since we started the paper work and we are still waiting for an unknown child or children. We have had delays that were outside our control and have had to spend a lot of time explaining the process to many people along the way in order to get the paperwork we needed completed on a timely basis. We had some paperwork become stale dated as a result. Likely, we will be waiting for several more months before we know who our child or children are. With recent changes in the process, it could be more than a year before we will be home with our expanded family. Just writing this winds me up and I have tried to keep it as factual and unemotional as I could. I have identified the underlying emotion behind my anger and have taken steps to address it.

Here are the strategies for letting go of anger that I have found in my research:

1. Delay
2. Distraction
3. Relaxation
4. Incompatible responses

Some tactics that fit with these strategies that I am going to try in order to allow me to let go of my anger in the future include:

1. Close your eyes and take several deep breaths. Visualize the anger leaving you through your breath. Research has identified that one of the causes of anger is a lack of oxygen to your heart. Deep breathing can ease the tension and lessen your chance of a heart attack
2. Do a crossword puzzle or some other challenging mind exercise to occupy your thoughts
3. Be silly - I run back and forth chasing my dogs, trying to get them to do what I fondly call the berserkers - bouncing off the furniture and baying like they are chasing bunnies. Being silly is one of Homer's fortes. He has a natural propensity towards the absurd and silly.
4. Listen to relaxing music - this works for me and is one of my favorite ways to distract my attention.
5. Take a bubble bath - choose a soothing or relaxing scent such as lavender, sandalwood or vanilla and light some candles
6. Have a cup of chamomile tea
7. Gentle Exercise - my exercise of choice is yoga. I find the breath and meditation of yoga very therapeutic, but just going for a walk is also an option.

I hope that letting go of anger will lead me to my

Bright Star Dreams